The Father Heart of God

I know that I've been terribly silent here for quite some time.  Every time I go to write, something seems off or something happens.  For whatever reason, it's stayed where it is, just waiting, it seems, for the moment of reckoning or rebirth.  I can't explain it, but I'd rather let the page remain void than to write something senseless that has no depth or truth held within.  Though I stray from the Bible study itself, I feel compelled to speak of something.  Now I feel like the words are tripping over themselves to be released, and I could not contain my thoughts even if I tried.

As I sit in the silence of the early morning ere the house is awake, I am alert, entranced by the great love of our God, by His Son, by His Holy Spirit that yearns for us and calls to us.  I've gone through a year of revelation of the Father.  I would say that it feels awkward, though it no longer does, because I have grown up in the church.  I have grown up with a love for Jesus.  I have felt the Holy Spirit's sweetness when He calls to me.  But the Father I had shut out, closed the door of my own prison, locked myself in and therefore, him out of the depths of my heart.

I thought that the love for the Son was enough.  I felt that because of His sacrifice that I could go boldly through the Son and let Him go to the Father.  After all, that is what He does for us, intercedes for us before the Father.  I knew that nothing could separate me from the love of Christ and I held onto that with every fiber of my being.  I listened for the Spirit's call and His whispers to me.  But I openly admit that I ran from the Father.

How can this be?  It's a conundrum at the very least, an oxymoron in fact, and an impossibility in full.  True, His grace was sufficient to help me along the way when I was not strong enough to stand a Father's heart.  He still held fast to me, but I was missing out on so much because of my insecurities, my fears.  God has so much for us if we will just let him in, not in part, but the whole.

I know I spoke earlier of the fact that all three aspects of God were involved in the creation of this world and of man.  He longs to communicate to us through each aspect, because we have much to learn from Him.  And to reject any facet of His character was to reject His love.  Amazing grace and mercy that He has, He did not condemn me for this.  Oh, no.  Rather, He reminds me that a physician does not come for the healthy, but for the sick and wounded.

That is what we all are, wounded.  But His great compassion reaches down and heals us as we let Him.  Only this past year have I begun to allow the relationship of Father-Daughter to really develop.

As a child, I understood the whole big brother Jesus thing.  My own older brother was a shining example to me once.  We were living in some apartments when I was around 6 years old, when a big bully (probably in actuality around 10 years old) stood in front of me on the sidewalk and wouldn't let me pass.  My brother happened to be there at the time.  Without a word from me, my brother, a whole 19 months older than I was, stood there between the bully and I.  I'll never forget the words my brother uttered to that boy, at least a half foot taller than he.

"If you're going to mess with my sister, you'll have to go through me first!"  He crossed his arms over his chest and just stood there, a rock.  It was only moments before the older boy just looked at Tony and moved out of the way and allowed us to pass.   It wasn't even a street.  It was just a sidewalk within the courtyard of the apartments, but my brother had dug in his heels and wasn't going to be trifled with.

Any time I've thought of Jesus, I picture that image that has been printed in my memory of a big brother who stands up to the bully and says to move it or else.  Jesus fought for us.  He literally battled.  He was bruised  and battered.  He was wounded.  He was whipped, beaten, and scarred so that the bully who was standing between me and my path would be removed.  And he won!  What a brother!  We can do all things through Him, He fought our battles, giving us the victory, and we are joint heirs with Him.

But the Father was distant, there on the throne, more listening to Jesus than anything else, and didn't want to be bothered with what I wanted.  Sure, He reached out to me, but I wasn't to ask for anything.  I was supposed to be a good little girl and be quiet to him and direct my questions and prayers to the Holy Spirit, occasionally going to the Father.  But I was to refer to Him as, "God," or  "LORD" or "Heavenly Father."  The last one was especially good because it was the correct form of distant respect.  He's up there and I'm down here.

WHAT A BUNCH OF POPPYCOCK!  That whole last paragraph....is a LIE that I fell for hook, line, and sinker!  Nothing could be further from the truth!  The Bible says that God delights in His children.  He longs to give us the desires of our hearts.  He longs to hear our prayers.  God desires that no one should perish.  God's Father heart is LOVE...and I was missing out on that all accepting, all encompassing, incomprehensible love that none can bestow like He.

I had this vision of myself locked in a dungeon with high mortar walls around it.  But I held the key.  Jesus came to me and wanted to unlock the door but I refused to hand over the key because I knew the key would be handed over to the Father and that scared me to pieces!  I had rather lived in that dark cell than give the key to the deepest places of my heart to the one who loves me more than life itself, for He IS love!

I realized my view of the Father was skewed, but I didn't know what to do except I finally came to the conclusion that I could trust Jesus...He was the brother who would protect me from the bully.  I gave him the key to unlock my cell door.  When I escaped, the wall was still there, and there was a door.  I knew that behind that door was the Father.  I was absolutely terrified of opening the door, but Jesus eventually coaxed me to the door.  He opened it for me.

He actually asked me if He could lead me to the Father, to take His hand.  I had held Jesus' hand all my life, even sat in His lap, but the Father?  At that time, I had no trust in Him...it was all in Jesus, the brother who sacrificed his life for me.  When I was ready, Jesus walked me over to the Father, who was sitting at a desk. With trembling body, I allowed myself to be led to Him.  I allowed Jesus to place my hand in the Father's.

What happened next exploded beyond all comprehension and reasoning and yet...and yet...As Jesus placed my hand in the Father's, Jesus' hand itself molded into the Father's and he sat in the Father's seat, molding into him as he sat.  It was the first time I truly grasped the concept that the Father and the Son are one.  Wonderment filled my entire being as I watched in awe of this transfiguration, as it were.  All of a sudden, all my fears just fled in surprise.

Here was the One whom my soul loved more than life itself and I had hid myself from Him!  I sat in his lap and was hit by waves of peace.  In my spirit, it seemed I wept for hours for all the hurt and the pain and the fear and the loss of having been seemingly without Him for so long, the Longing of my heart was the one who I had feared and yet loved with a passion like no other, yet they were One.  I felt like I truly breathed for the first time.  The pain of the breath of Life Himself was so great and so sweet, so gentle, so pure.  How did I ever survive without that pure oxygen?

There are days that I feel the old fears knocking at my door, telling me to watch out.  But I see in my mind's eye where the Father and Son became one right before my eyes and the fears flee once again.  I never before comprehended that Perfect Love casts out all fears.  But they just vanished, like a sigh on the wind, melting away.  Holding that image in my mind leaves no room for anything else.  I just breathe, sweet inhalation deep and penetrating ever fiber.

I woke up yesterday morning to a song, one I had never before heard nor sung, yet it reverberated in my mind until I had to express this new music bubbling up within me.  For it was beautiful in fact that I no longer live under the shadow of fear.  The Father loves me!  I don't know who this is for, but He loves you oh so very much more than you can ever imagine, beyond life itself, past time and above the horizon. through all the pain and hurt, longing to chase away the shadows and to bring you sweet, sweet hope and peace.

PROOF

Why do you think that I don't care?
Why do you think I'm not involved in what you do each day?
Oh my child
And why do you think that I'm just mad?
Why do you think that I won't come when your skies are grey?

Why are you so afraid
To reach out your hand
I'll carry you from these wretched wasted lands
Just call my name from this sinking sand
I'll fight for you and help you to stand

O don't you know I love you so
Much deeper than you'll ever know, Oh won't you let me in?
Precious One
I long to fill your empty parts
To reach down to your wounded heart and to heal your pain

Don't be afraid
To reach out your hand
I'll carry you from these wretched wasted lands
Just call my name
From this sinking sand
I'l fight for you and help you to stand

I'm waiting here with my open arms
Waiting for your word
I'll lift you up, show you wondrous things
You've never seen or heard

Just take a leap of faith
Reach out your hand
I'll carry you~take you to your promised land
On eagle's wings
You'll soar with me
I'll give you peace..Forever you will stand

Breath of Heaven

Things don't always happen in the timing we think they should.  In fact, we often find ourselves just waiting for that big moment to occur, impatient for whatever will be.  We realize that something is coming and we do not know why it is not yet here.  Often we are just unaware of the greater picture.  We only see our part in it.  If we are not personally active, we may feel as if we have failed, that the pieces are not fitting together because of something we have missed.  Perhaps it is not that we have failed, but that we have not yet realized that not all the preparations have been made.

God managed to do something in 6 days that the rest of the universe has spent thousands of years trying to do: pure creation from absolutely nothing but pure love.  I am amazed that He did spend most of that time just preparing the way so that humanity could thrive.  Without any elements previously created, man would not be able to survive.  Then, and only then, would He place man on this earth.

Tenderly, carefully, God took the dust of the earth into His hands.  Carbon, zinc, calcium, potassium, magnesium, water, and countless other minerals and substances He lovingly caressed into the mold of one who would be the father of a world for generations to come.  Forming every intricate detail, God possibly pondered all that would transpire through the ages, knowing even then the joy and heartache the human race would bring.  The body was created, the hair, the nails.  The shell was ready.  Now all that was left was the spirit of life itself.

In previous acts of creation, the Holy Trinity spoke, moved, and formed.  But this time, it would be a part of Himself that would go into this being made by His love.  Before He stooped over the flesh, God saw the betrayal that was to come.  God the Father and God the Son knew that with the next instant's motion, the plan of the Cross would be set in motion.  He knew of the sacrifice yet to be done.  He knew of the millions that would reject Him and of the ones who would receive Him.  He weighed the costs.  Then He knelt down over the mouth of the man, opened it to breathe His own life into it, and He blew.